2020 and Life is good FINALLY

 So funny thing to blog/journal about happened today, when I had it in my head that I had Garcia at 10am and even like a dork I have it on every calendar I own that it clearly is at 2pm after my functional team meeting with Andy.  Nichole was kind enough to remind me even though I scared her a tiny bit that my appointment is at 2pm and we both giggled about it.  I'm still shaking my head and laughing on the inside.  And now I can get the kitchen cleaned, laundry started, dogs walked, etc.  It was good to see CS and Xavier yesterday but dang both of those guys are hard and frustrating but I hope I'm doing a good job for them.  Emily says I am and so does Erin and Brandi but I guess it takes time for it to show with the kids.  I know I'm being a good example for them and being a positive model for them both and just have to be patient and wait for the work to show up when they mature up a little bit.  I haven't felt any anxiety lately which is a gre...

Well come to find out my past, my childhood wasn't perfect but ya know what, it made me the strong mofo that I came to be now.  Some of my trauma comes from the Battle of Flowers sniper event, and then also from the event of us almost getting washed away in the flash flood around this time of year in the boat, the blue impala.  The anxiety has been at bay since I came to that realization but at the same time, Mom and Dad did the best that they could even with Dad's errors he still did what he could for us and Mom of course worked his fingers to the bone to make sure we were fed, clothed and housed.  She protected us when the sniper opened up at the Battle of Flowers parade as did Frank my brother because he knew that is what he was told to do by Mom.  I shared with him my appreciation for everything that he did for me through our childhood and protecting me through our growing up years and taking care of me when Mom and Dad had to work hard to provide for us.  I...

So 2023 ended with some tough times due to a relapse with everything that I had going on including the massive oral surgery thing and making food for the family that I think screwed with my head and then getting use to them and all that just added to the anxiety and depression and then trying to put out that fire again with Bud Lights like a dummy.  I know better than that and then of course I hurt my foot on Christmas Eve and walk on it for two days even after making lots of food for family and friends and limping through all of it.  Finally had to give in and go to urgent care the day after Christmas and get it checked out.  They of course x-rayed the foot and before radiology could even read the x-rays, the NP could already tell that there was a darn fracture on the first metatarsal and referred us to the KC Orthopedic Alliance and then I got hooked up with Kniedel who ordered a ct scan and then a visit with him in person where  we discussed the results and he sha...

The end of another glorious year.  It’s been a great year and we accomplished some good stuff and continued therapy for the mental crap that clouds my brain on the daily.  I completed a 365 day sober journey but in all honesty went back to it once the year mark was passed.  Continued therapy with Abby Pollard but of course she had to depart due to her baby birth time which is totally okay.  

 Holy cow what a difference 190 days makes.  Today is Mothers Day 2023 and my first sober Mothers Day since Mom left in 1996 (27 years!!).  Today was spent doing yard work from the moment that we rolled out of bed until about 2pm (just in time for the NASCAR race).  In the backyard we were able to seed and get grass to grow from seed even with the canopy of the tree in the back.  Emily worked on the flowers and I worked on the mowing the front and back and it turned out to be a gorgeous yard and this evening Mother Nature is gracing our yard with a nice steady rain.  The backyard might need watering due to the tree canopy though.   So yeah, 190 days ago, November 5th 2022 is my sober date as the last time I took a beer drink at 0730 on November 4th.  I would then be taken to the Behavioral Assessment Center at Advent Health Hospital, the old Shawnee Mission Med Center, and be evaluated by a lady named Cassie (Cassie the Beagle had passed away...

 Sitting here before I head off to volunteer for HHR booth at the KC Marathon Expo I think back to the past 10 years of all the running adventures and the miles of sweat, laughs, high fives and good times that have been shared with so many and the many friends that I have become closer with but also the new friends that I have gained while making that journey with a flag on my shoulder.  I would never say that the flag is light in weight or that its about my military or USDA service but rather, it would be to honor our country, my fellow Veterans and all those that have paid the ultimate sacrifice.  (  que in the rambling part of this entry) Its heart touching to be recognized standing in the Grand Hall of Union Station as the guy that runs with the flag but to make that connection with so many that evidently an impact to their running journey has been touched by that action means so much and inspires me to continue my physical therapy journey.  It gives me hope...

  You’ve shared your Dad complained about the house not being clean.  To the point that he blames his leaving her on it.  You (&Frank) mentioned about the cleaning list Mom left you and how you’d rush through it at the end of the day.  I’m wondering if somehow you internalized Dad's complaints to mom about house as you not being good enough at helping her.  Like if you had cleaned better you could have protected her.  This is when you were little not older, well older too but I think younger is the important part. So today has been a historic day with the inauguration of our new POTUS but also our first lady VPOTUS.  As she took her oath it was so special to witness that moment for all the little girls including my own that dream of being President one of these days. What a special moment and so awesome even with all the pomp and stance. Not only is it "Inaug" day but its Emily's birthday and also my Day 1 and hopefully the first of many days ...

 Co-dependency during the holidays and with regards to the kids.  step in the male role model thing with Logan.  They get to meet a new and new side Phil.  Its not about Emily.  What family is going to embrace the most is the change in me, controlling, be present.  Challenge thrown down to be present in the moment. Dont get caught up in the moment.  Just go with how things are. Permission to trust that we are going to be present in the moment.  Family gets the gift of meeting new Phil, not just Emily.  The family will really welcome a new relaxed me.  Challenge: Be in the moment and relax.  During our trip to SAT focus not on mourning Mom, but rather celebrating a new beginning with EMM and the new world that we are living and the new support system that I have with her. 

 So another great session with Katy Roberts, and comes another great blog post. Learned and of course shared a lot with her from not just the weekend but how things have been going over the last few weeks since we last met.  Included in conversation were the highlights from Judy and I cranking out the MCM a few weeks ago and the Blessing of how that turned into one woman doing her solo marathon and that crazy idea, to it becoming a full blown family event.  But also just the straight up admission that the binge drinking happened this past weekend.  She asked and I of course was honest that there was some binge drinking going on this weekend. So I started explaining to Katy, the bingeing commenced with the way that I heard Logan talk to her at various times during the weekend.  Not sure what caused it Friday evening for sure, but definitely having them here for the weekend and then the way he talked to her on Sunday during the game, "Hey, are you coming or not?" ...

So a great question that was posed to me from Katy during today's 10/05/2020 therapy appointment.   To add to that, what would my reply be if I came in contact via in person or email with Crazy Bitch or Melissa's dumbass. Somehow I foresee one day receiving an email from Melissa trying to reach out to say hi.   While I don't hope for it, I could see her trying to contact me one day to say "hello".  More than likely after her "VERY old man" passes out.  Funny, but there is some truth to that I'm sure.  Thought about what I would say to her if she did though while walking the dogs this morning.  Something to the effect would be about hope her and hers are doing well, keeping it cordial of course, but at the same time reminding her that he might not appreciate the contact effort and asking her straight upfront if "by chance" if she was already "talking" to him when she kicked me to the curb but at the same time also giving her thanks...

 Sitting here on a Thursday afternoon and listening to Law and Order SVU and covered in a blanket on a beautiful day outside.  Later today I'll link up with the team family in Lenexa.  Work is pretty much quiet lately as its nearing the end of the FY2020 and at the end of the month we get to do it all over again with the start of the new FY.  Annnnndddd of course the second job RWB has me more busy than anything else.  From leading the activities to trying to stay up to date with pending events and OGR on the 28th.  I met with Katy recently and shared with her that on some days (not all but most) I feel myself living life again, feeling better not dealing with the PTSD and memories or thoughts or need to contact HMB or MMS (her new initials).  Through further research, its amazing that she picked that Gary dude who is 12 years her senior, but I guess it was the money side that she was after.  Definitely more of a materialistic thing than anything ...

So on this quiet afternoon on Thursday as I sit here watching Captain Phillips on History Channel my thoughts are wondering about the moments leading up to what would come to be 2 years ago this weekend.  As my Michigan State friend GK reminded me, what happened two years ago was a humungous Blessing in disguise and one that was just part of the process of going through the wringer to get to where I deserve to be.  Of course that wringing involved many days of trial and error and all sorts of weird people to meet and spend time with.  There was also lots of time to spend time solo and in recovery and healing of the heart and mind and repair of connection to Samantha and one that continues to be worked on even now.  Some days go by sometimes where I dont hear from her but that is to be understood because of course she is self minded and in her own little world and her and Logan are in their own way of being and doing their own thing.  Of course when she needs som...

Conquered day one of the drying out process and even sweetened the deal with a challenge between me and EMM.  If I make it one week cold turkey without having any beers, then the benefit and reward will be given behind closed doors woohoo!!! Even though last evening was easy, or thereabouts-not to say I didn't think about it, I was definitely fidgety and had a hard time going to sleep but I think we both did, even tho the intimacy was amazing and very intense.  Once I got to sleep I was able to sleep soundly like a baby I think and slept good and despite always being tempted to sleep in, got up and got logged into the office and got the day started.   Finally got all of my transcipts received downloaded and sent off to UMGC and have figured out to chase down the remaining credits needed to complete the bachelors degree in Social Science with a minor in psychology.  I have two goals, one which is short/medium term and one that might take longer than a year or two with...

So today was a learning day and realization of a lot of things including the fact that I was slowly gradually becoming something that I hated from CB HRB which was excessive drinking.  Something that caused her to disconnect and become the toxic person was the one thing that I was fucking becoming myself and basically creating within this life with EMM.  So WTF!! Time to put a stop to that crap in a quick f'king dang hurry.  Self medicating with food is something that I did back in San Diego and earlier here in KC.  I in turn create the self medicating with the alcohol as a follow up to avoiding the food as a security blanket.  But the question remains WHY? I'm very aware I'm in a safe place and comfortable with life with EMM, so why would I need to feel insecure for anything? Why would I need self medicating to recover or to feel safe or secure? I'm sure some goals and focused thinking and small goals and celebrating each accomplishment (one week at a time) wou...

Happy Friday to me and to all the wonderful people in my world.   I'm very fortunate and Blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people and wow where did this wonderful, cute, beautiful woman of EMM come from?   Life is getting better with every day every stride and more and more wide open communication that we share between our days and nights and weeks and time spent together. As the eve of the darkest day of my life next to the day that Mom died is tomorrow, my hope is to not give that day the glorification that it wants to have in my head but rather create a new memory with it with those that surround me and of course the most special person in my life next to Samantha.  Even if means just watching movies due to rainy weather or mowing yard and sharing some laughs with friends I want us to share in some new memories and finally put to rest and bury deep the negative memories of the former life and the memories that came from it.  Even though I don't know...