190 Days Check In

 Holy cow what a difference 190 days makes.  Today is Mothers Day 2023 and my first sober Mothers Day since Mom left in 1996 (27 years!!).  Today was spent doing yard work from the moment that we rolled out of bed until about 2pm (just in time for the NASCAR race).  In the backyard we were able to seed and get grass to grow from seed even with the canopy of the tree in the back.  Emily worked on the flowers and I worked on the mowing the front and back and it turned out to be a gorgeous yard and this evening Mother Nature is gracing our yard with a nice steady rain.  The backyard might need watering due to the tree canopy though.  

So yeah, 190 days ago, November 5th 2022 is my sober date as the last time I took a beer drink at 0730 on November 4th.  I would then be taken to the Behavioral Assessment Center at Advent Health Hospital, the old Shawnee Mission Med Center, and be evaluated by a lady named Cassie (Cassie the Beagle had passed away with 2-3 weeks prior to this).  I remember having stiffness in my entire body that morning as we walked from the parking lot to the front entrance.  Once we had a heart to heart talk with Cassie, and a lot of tears were shed making the choice that I needed to go back to being hospitalized for a mental struggle that I was evidently having with beers.  At the time I was basically drinking 27 12 oz beers a day at least.  On some days it was a lot more than that.  Trying to put out a fire with gasoline is how I'll always associate it.  I'm glad that I made that choice to check in to that hospital that day even having dry heeves while waiting for the ER staff to check me out and get me sent upstairs. During those four days there was lots of sharing and learning on how to beat the mental crap that goes on but also why we tried to drown anxiety with beers or whatever substance we chose.  Once I completed the detox, I started the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) through Advent Health and that place has become my AA if you will.  I've met lots of good people and have shared lots of good stuff with them and have learned so much from all of them.  I'm so thankful for that program but also thankful for Emily's support and encouragement and never giving up on me as others have in my past hence the reason for this blog entry.  I'll never understand and guess life will never let me understand and I'm totally fine with that why things changed with RWB and with other friends that have slowly tended to slip away and disappear from our world just because I decided to get sober to save my life. Not sure what or where I would be had I not decided to enroll in that detox program.  I'm so much better now that I have a clear head and of course having the right meds does a lot of help.  But I'm also such a much better life partner and hubby for Emily but also a better Dad for Samantha/Logan and I'm not as triggered when I text with Samantha or Judy. Of course I'm not sure Samantha still sees me in a good dad way even though I pay her car insurance and of course do my best to provide her funds when she or Logan request them. I know its not all about the money but I'm wondering if she still has some issue with me for divorcing her Mom. Of course had I not i'm wondering if I'd even still be alive or what life would be like for me. I'm sure I'd still be drinking heavily on hard liquor even not just beers. 

Life has Blessed me with the most amazing life partner and wife in Emily and I couldnt be more thankful than I am that our Angel Mom's brought us together and joined us together.   Can you imagine what life would've been like with either Bales or Moriarty instead. Wow what a way that life sends us what we need and deserve and evidently God and our Mom's knew that we needed each other.  

Thats enough for today, maybe more tomorrow