Happy Friday and GLAD

Happy Friday to me and to all the wonderful people in my world.  I'm very fortunate and Blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful people and wow where did this wonderful, cute, beautiful woman of EMM come from?   Life is getting better with every day every stride and more and more wide open communication that we share between our days and nights and weeks and time spent together.
As the eve of the darkest day of my life next to the day that Mom died is tomorrow, my hope is to not give that day the glorification that it wants to have in my head but rather create a new memory with it with those that surround me and of course the most special person in my life next to Samantha.  Even if means just watching movies due to rainy weather or mowing yard and sharing some laughs with friends I want us to share in some new memories and finally put to rest and bury deep the negative memories of the former life and the memories that came from it.  Even though I don't know where or at what level I am at in my recovery, I know that any vulnerability that would've been concerning have come and now passed. I feel comfortable and safe to be me with EMM and when I need time to be solo she understands and respects that, something that I'm not use to as JRH always wanted to know where I was what I was doing or who with, and crazy bitch grandma would always freak out if I went for a drive no matter how far or where it was, she freaked out, and then dumbass MAM didn't care unless of course it was inconvenient to her. Bunch of weirdos I'm confident of now between Judy and I's departure.  Whole bunch of them weird asses out there even amongst the dating world. So this year started out with the adventure of celebrating EMM birthday and me having cataract surgery.  Wow that was weird for sure.  Never thought at 49 I'd be having cataracts removed but since there is such a strong family history of that crap, it was inevitable. Got through that thankfully and fortunately had EMM by my side to be with me and support the aftercare and make fun of me as applicable with my jacked up vision between surgeries. So thankful to have had her by my side because I know others would not have been, but enough about the comparisons, I'm just confident that I have landed somewhere safe and hope to continue to be that for a long time to come and continue to make fun memories and new ones with EMM and the rest of the tribe.
Back to the anniversary of tomorrow though, its crazy to think about but I know in thinking and blogging about it as I do here, in that there is healing going on so as to no longer honor that memory or thought. I've tried to recall what started all of it or in the days leading up to it but to no avail. I think from reading some of the posts of the blog from that area of time, there was a lot of anxious moments and lack of communication between that person and I that was causing too many anxiety moments and too many unknowns.  I hope but doubt that it would ever be an issue but I know that I see the signs and am ready to address them as needed with EMM now that we are to a comfy safe place in our relationship.
When we're both looking outside to the plants and we both see at the same time a cardinal in the tree outside staring back at us as we're staring at him, we both say hi to our Moms and know that we're gonna be okay and life will continue to be good, I'm sure that we will even if we have an occasional bump in the road which is healthy.  And no unlike others, I'm not stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop because all that does is sabotage things and that's not smart of course.  Sometimes I still wonder why on some things but its not up to me and not fair to me to put 100% of the blame on my shoulders for why things of past relations didn't work out as I believe they were lessons being learned that have made me stronger and a very much better man now that I've ever been before.


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