2020 and Life is good FINALLY

 Co-dependency during the holidays and with regards to the kids.  step in the male role model thing with Logan.  They get to meet a new and new side Phil.  Its not about Emily.  What family is going to embrace the most is the change in me, controlling, be present.  Challenge thrown down to be present in the moment. Dont get caught up in the moment.  Just go with how things are. Permission to trust that we are going to be present in the moment.  Family gets the gift of meeting new Phil, not just Emily.  The family will really welcome a new relaxed me.  Challenge: Be in the moment and relax.  During our trip to SAT focus not on mourning Mom, but rather celebrating a new beginning with EMM and the new world that we are living and the new support system that I have with her. 

 So another great session with Katy Roberts, and comes another great blog post. Learned and of course shared a lot with her from not just the weekend but how things have been going over the last few weeks since we last met.  Included in conversation were the highlights from Judy and I cranking out the MCM a few weeks ago and the Blessing of how that turned into one woman doing her solo marathon and that crazy idea, to it becoming a full blown family event.  But also just the straight up admission that the binge drinking happened this past weekend.  She asked and I of course was honest that there was some binge drinking going on this weekend. So I started explaining to Katy, the bingeing commenced with the way that I heard Logan talk to her at various times during the weekend.  Not sure what caused it Friday evening for sure, but definitely having them here for the weekend and then the way he talked to her on Sunday during the game, "Hey, are you coming or not?" ...

So a great question that was posed to me from Katy during today's 10/05/2020 therapy appointment.   To add to that, what would my reply be if I came in contact via in person or email with Crazy Bitch or Melissa's dumbass. Somehow I foresee one day receiving an email from Melissa trying to reach out to say hi.   While I don't hope for it, I could see her trying to contact me one day to say "hello".  More than likely after her "VERY old man" passes out.  Funny, but there is some truth to that I'm sure.  Thought about what I would say to her if she did though while walking the dogs this morning.  Something to the effect would be about hope her and hers are doing well, keeping it cordial of course, but at the same time reminding her that he might not appreciate the contact effort and asking her straight upfront if "by chance" if she was already "talking" to him when she kicked me to the curb but at the same time also giving her thanks...

 Sitting here on a Thursday afternoon and listening to Law and Order SVU and covered in a blanket on a beautiful day outside.  Later today I'll link up with the team family in Lenexa.  Work is pretty much quiet lately as its nearing the end of the FY2020 and at the end of the month we get to do it all over again with the start of the new FY.  Annnnndddd of course the second job RWB has me more busy than anything else.  From leading the activities to trying to stay up to date with pending events and OGR on the 28th.  I met with Katy recently and shared with her that on some days (not all but most) I feel myself living life again, feeling better not dealing with the PTSD and memories or thoughts or need to contact HMB or MMS (her new initials).  Through further research, its amazing that she picked that Gary dude who is 12 years her senior, but I guess it was the money side that she was after.  Definitely more of a materialistic thing than anything ...

So on this quiet afternoon on Thursday as I sit here watching Captain Phillips on History Channel my thoughts are wondering about the moments leading up to what would come to be 2 years ago this weekend.  As my Michigan State friend GK reminded me, what happened two years ago was a humungous Blessing in disguise and one that was just part of the process of going through the wringer to get to where I deserve to be.  Of course that wringing involved many days of trial and error and all sorts of weird people to meet and spend time with.  There was also lots of time to spend time solo and in recovery and healing of the heart and mind and repair of connection to Samantha and one that continues to be worked on even now.  Some days go by sometimes where I dont hear from her but that is to be understood because of course she is self minded and in her own little world and her and Logan are in their own way of being and doing their own thing.  Of course when she needs som...

Conquered day one of the drying out process and even sweetened the deal with a challenge between me and EMM.  If I make it one week cold turkey without having any beers, then the benefit and reward will be given behind closed doors woohoo!!! Even though last evening was easy, or thereabouts-not to say I didn't think about it, I was definitely fidgety and had a hard time going to sleep but I think we both did, even tho the intimacy was amazing and very intense.  Once I got to sleep I was able to sleep soundly like a baby I think and slept good and despite always being tempted to sleep in, got up and got logged into the office and got the day started.   Finally got all of my transcipts received downloaded and sent off to UMGC and have figured out to chase down the remaining credits needed to complete the bachelors degree in Social Science with a minor in psychology.  I have two goals, one which is short/medium term and one that might take longer than a year or two with...

So today was a learning day and realization of a lot of things including the fact that I was slowly gradually becoming something that I hated from CB HRB which was excessive drinking.  Something that caused her to disconnect and become the toxic person was the one thing that I was fucking becoming myself and basically creating within this life with EMM.  So WTF!! Time to put a stop to that crap in a quick f'king dang hurry.  Self medicating with food is something that I did back in San Diego and earlier here in KC.  I in turn create the self medicating with the alcohol as a follow up to avoiding the food as a security blanket.  But the question remains WHY? I'm very aware I'm in a safe place and comfortable with life with EMM, so why would I need to feel insecure for anything? Why would I need self medicating to recover or to feel safe or secure? I'm sure some goals and focused thinking and small goals and celebrating each accomplishment (one week at a time) wou...